These waves of grief are unpredictable.
They are what is beyond my love and light.
As they crash through my eyes and out though my weeping moans.
I tremble.
This feeling is so strong.
Uncomfortable and fearful of being seen.
What does the one who takes care of others do when she needs to be cared for?
Smiling is a lie.
Pleasantries are hallow.
The sadness in the world around me pierces me.
And I’m so hungry.
Someone please make me some food.
I weep hysterically as grief comes and goes.
I sit a lot.
I traverse the ladder from what I perceive my experience to be to the emotions that let me feel the truth of what it really is.
I’ve familiarized myself with my emotions.
It’s always been a homecoming and refuge.
But grief, grief is different.
I’m on my knees with Grief.
I’m sitting with a new feeling that is beyond anything I’ve ever felt.
Grief seems like a super feeling.
It’s the inside out and the upside down of love.
It’s the throw up your food from crying kind of hunger.
The cry so hard your can’t breathe kind of pranayama.
The reach out for support but never respond kind of company.
I can feel my actual heart weeping inside of my chest.
Maybe for now this is how I keep him alive.
So tired.
Imposter Syndrome whispers:
”Did you love him?”
”Did he love you?”
“But she was his favorite.”
“Hold back your cries.”
”Hug the people who hug you. Be polite.”
”Don’t make others uncomfortable, just stay home.”
“You weren’t as close to him as they were.”
”But, you broke up.”
All of this crashes down on me in a split second, over and over again.
These waves.
Knocking me down onto my knees.
This Grief.
This Super Power.
This Feeling.
The circuitry of this grief is only beginning to form inside of me.
I’m weak for now.
I’m tired.
I can’t breathe through it yet.
There is a weight on my chest.
A bit in my mouth.
Not enough oxygen in the air to gasp for...
** This is an offering to a sweet, sweet love I had who left this Earth at the time he did. I give thanks that our ancient spirits found each other in this time and got to play, pray, cry, and love once more. See you again sweet love. **