I’m really grateful that I’ve learned to feel her.
I’ve spent so many years walking down paths hearing her call but not been able to find her.
Before I couldn’t hear because of the tv, the traffic, the gossip, the prominence, the prestige.
Ten years ago, I decided to turn that volume way down and to listen when she called.
I left the designer clothes and my comfort behind and followed her voice.
Sadness.
Longing.
Yearning.
Sweet sadness.
Along the way, I’ve been blessed to meet many guides; I prefer to call them midwives.
Those who could help me learn a new language.
See different way points.
Many, who would teach me how to laugh while I cried.
Some, who taught me to use my heart and breath as circuitry.
I learned how to power my own journey.
Because of that, I kept going on.
I stopped traveling.
I stopped seeking a normal job.
I rented a home.
Became a preschool teacher and a cook at a Quaker School.
I worked 7 days a week.
I gave up the chase for all the “important things” that stratified society demands we strive for...
And I dropped into what called me from within.
I stepped up to the opening of a dark cave.
I gathered all the courage I had, took a deep breath... and walked inside.
It was dark.
It was wet.
The air was cold.
It felt hollow inside.
Every step I took echoed forward and back from me and I went on.
Searching.
For my self. A feeling.
I eventually found her, my self. The one who was inside the cave of my heart.
The one my attention was distracted away from...
The one I never knew existed because the tv, the traffic, the gossip, the prominence, the prestige got to me first...
When I got to her she was almost lifeless.
Holding on to the last tinge of hope...
Bless her for waiting for me.
Bless her for believing I’d find her... for believing in me.
I picked her up, gray, wet, skin and bones... cold.
I carried her into the belly of the cave and with her I sat.
I thank the Mother for this invisible, other worldly connection that summoned me to this plane, to this place, to her.
I’ve sat with her for a little over 10 years now.
Initially, I built a fire to warm her and to warm the cave.
I added a beautiful thick red wool woven rug.
Then incense and fruits.
This comforted and relieved her.
Her belly relaxed.
She ate.
She warmed. She laid in my lap as I prayed to know her.
The warmth got into her bones and the sweetness nourished her heart.
And I breathed.
For 10 years I breathed my life, the life, our life into her.
I sat. I moved energy though me. I Evoked Reverence.
For my life. For my right to life. And breathed that into her.
As she came alive we danced. There was music.
Through somatic psychotherapy and EMDR therapy, I learned how to came back to her over and over and over again.
I learned where I lost her, when I left her, and why.
Pieces of myself.
Hiding in the coat rack as my parents screamed at each other when I was five.
Fear.
Ostracizing myself for being from the country not the suburbs in 5th grade.
Shame.
Fearful of being exiled from a faith that’s people seemed to preach one thing and do another as soon as they left the church.
Estranged.
Each time, I traveled back to her and found her where I’d left her.
I brought her back with me.
I thanked her for doing her best to protect me and for using the tools she had at the time.
I told her each time that I was here now and that she was coming with me.
That she was safe.
For ten years, I’ve sat with her in the cave of my heart.
I’ve prayed to her. I’ve washed her feet.
I’ve brought her sweets, flowers, and beautiful offerings... Then she changed.
One day a new sensation was present.
As I walked into the belly of the cave of my heart...
She sat grand on a chair as big as the cave as The Mother.
This was a profound time in my life.
I continued to sit but now when I sat I chanted to her.
I washed her feet. I anointed her with oils. I brought her offerings.
I became the one who needed support and guidance.
For years, I sat at her feet praying.
Then one day she came down off her chair and held me.
She washed my feet.
She held my face in her hands and touched my forehead with hers.
And we breathed.
Jaws, throat, shoulders relaxed with the exhale.
Belly, root, legs relaxed with the inhale...
Then a wind began to blow and I saw a mirror.
When she moved I moved.
My cry became the howl of the wind and her joy of life.
Relieved.
Jai ma.
We were one in the same.
Sometimes I pray to her.
Sometimes she holds me. And other times, I find distant and forgotten pieces of myself that I bring to her and together we integrate and revive.
I’ve spent 10 years re-membering myself.
Every time I come upon a new part... I bring it here and begin again.
Now I know the way in.
Now I know how to conjure the path, reach out to the guides, and use the tools...
I walk this life on its edge to continue re-membering my selves.
To unify the known and left behind.
The shadows and the bright.
Helping as I go.
Suffering as I go.
To honor her. To be honored by her.
To not take a moment of this life for granted.
To be alone but never alone and always home.
With the her in everything and within you.
And as I continue this work... I wake up to the worlds outside of myself.
I have the ability to go outside of myself and my comfort.
I am able to be scared in the world. And trust myself.
The work I do now is out in the world.
But I always take it back with me into the cave of my heart.
Back to my seat.
Back to myself.