Weaver

I had an experience this summer that gave me the opportunity to weave together three decades worth of study.

It brought me to my knees. I just kept saying.. wow, what a gift, what a blessing.

I’ve followed my interests and the little breadcrumbs so earnestly for my entire life.
I was raised in the forests. Brought up through Southern Baptism.
Participated in Student Government, Mock United Nations and Youth Legislature.
I was President and Vice President. Lawyer, Supreme Court Justice, Most School Spirited.
I got a degree in Environmental Economics and Policy, a minor in French, and was a Public Policy Scholar.
I studied abroad in Ghana, traveled in Europe, and spent time in Guatemala, Indonesia, and around.

I worked in Washington, DC presenting research on public perspectives towards renewable energy and on creating sustainable economies in coal counties.

I learned that statistics and polls are based upon a sample size that often does not represent the whole AND that most academic journal entries and presented studies are backed by sources chosen to support the hypothesis.

I saw that DC politics was more about perpetuating a culture than creating great change to support a better world.

I learned I was heart centric not certainty dependent.
I left and traveled.
I heard the trees of Oregon tell me I needed to save them.

I became a park ranger at Arches National Park in Moab, UT and had the millions of years old rocks laugh at me... they mocked me for thinking I could save the world... reminding me one day I’d be just a layer of dust in their great walls of time.

I moved to Northern California and dove into a deep practice of yoga.
I became certified as a preschool teacher and taught Waldorf preschool for years.
Worked on a food farm, learned how to save seed and the significance of seed sovereignty.

Built out age appropriate environmental curriculum for children pre-k through high school.
I spent several years building a yoga school (business) and taught folks how to teach yoga, traveled and taught in different regions and cultures.

And broke a huge societal spell that had stolen my nature for far too long.
I learned how to sustain an awakened heart.

And I found God again. This time she was the Mother.

I quit my career and left the mountains. Now I’m here in Sacramento.

This past summer I had my story told back to me and it was rich, meaningful, and timely.

It helped me understand a bigger picture.
This page is me taking a step out of my privacy to share how I make sense of the things going on out there in the external world.

As someone who has such a deep internal sacred reality, I want to share how I move in and out of the realms... mostly by weaving.

I’ll be here weaving together all things sacred with all the terror and confusion.

Drawing lines between new and old, imaginary and real, felt and feeling and all things in between... with the purpose of Evoking Reverence for this life.

In these times.

On My Knees with Grief: Nurturing the Feeling Self

These waves of grief are unpredictable.
They are what is beyond my love and light.
As they crash through my eyes and out though my weeping moans.

I tremble.

This feeling is so strong.
Uncomfortable and fearful of being seen.
What does the one who takes care of others do when she needs to be cared for?

Smiling is a lie.
Pleasantries are hallow.
The sadness in the world around me pierces me.

And I’m so hungry.
Someone please make me some food.

I weep hysterically as grief comes and goes.
I sit a lot.

I traverse the ladder from what I perceive my experience to be to the emotions that let me feel the truth of what it really is.

I’ve familiarized myself with my emotions.
It’s always been a homecoming and refuge.

But grief, grief is different.
I’m on my knees with Grief.

I’m sitting with a new feeling that is beyond anything I’ve ever felt.
Grief seems like a super feeling.

It’s the inside out and the upside down of love.
It’s the throw up your food from crying kind of hunger.
The cry so hard your can’t breathe kind of pranayama.
The reach out for support but never respond kind of company.

I can feel my actual heart weeping inside of my chest.
Maybe for now this is how I keep him alive.

So tired.

Imposter Syndrome whispers:
”Did you love him?”
”Did he love you?”

“But she was his favorite.”

“Hold back your cries.”
”Hug the people who hug you. Be polite.”
”Don’t make others uncomfortable, just stay home.”

“You weren’t as close to him as they were.”
”But, you broke up.”

All of this crashes down on me in a split second, over and over again.
These waves.
Knocking me down onto my knees.

This Grief.
This Super Power.
This Feeling.

The circuitry of this grief is only beginning to form inside of me.
I’m weak for now.
I’m tired.
I can’t breathe through it yet.
There is a weight on my chest.
A bit in my mouth.

Not enough oxygen in the air to gasp for...

** This is an offering to a sweet, sweet love I had who left this Earth at the time he did. I give thanks that our ancient spirits found each other in this time and got to play, pray, cry, and love once more. See you again sweet love. **

Searching for My Self

I’m really grateful that I’ve learned to feel her.

I’ve spent so many years walking down paths hearing her call but not been able to find her.
Before I couldn’t hear because of the tv, the traffic, the gossip, the prominence, the prestige.

Ten years ago, I decided to turn that volume way down and to listen when she called.
I left the designer clothes and my comfort behind and followed her voice.

Sadness.

Longing.

Yearning.

Sweet sadness.

Along the way, I’ve been blessed to meet many guides; I prefer to call them midwives.
Those who could help me learn a new language.
See different way points.
Many, who would teach me how to laugh while I cried.

Some, who taught me to use my heart and breath as circuitry.
I learned how to power my own journey.

Because of that, I kept going on.
I stopped traveling.

I stopped seeking a normal job.
I rented a home.

Became a preschool teacher and a cook at a Quaker School.
I worked 7 days a week.

I gave up the chase for all the “important things” that stratified society demands we strive for...

And I dropped into what called me from within.
I stepped up to the opening of a dark cave.
I gathered all the courage I had, took a deep breath... and walked inside.

It was dark.
It was wet.
The air was cold.
It felt hollow inside.

Every step I took echoed forward and back from me and I went on.
Searching.

For my self. A feeling.
I eventually found her, my self. The one who was inside the cave of my heart.

The one my attention was distracted away from...

The one I never knew existed because the tv, the traffic, the gossip, the prominence, the prestige got to me first...

When I got to her she was almost lifeless.
Holding on to the last tinge of hope...

Bless her for waiting for me.
Bless her for believing I’d find her... for believing in me.
I picked her up, gray, wet, skin and bones... cold.
I carried her into the belly of the cave and with her I sat.

I thank the Mother for this invisible, other worldly connection that summoned me to this plane, to this place, to her.
I’ve sat with her for a little over 10 years now. 

Initially, I built a fire to warm her and to warm the cave.
I added a beautiful thick red wool woven rug.
Then incense and fruits.
This comforted and relieved her.
Her belly relaxed.
She ate.

She warmed. She laid in my lap as I prayed to know her.
The warmth got into her bones and the sweetness nourished her heart.

And I breathed.

For 10 years I breathed my life, the life, our life into her.
I sat. I moved energy though me. I Evoked Reverence.
For my life. For my right to life. And breathed that into her.

As she came alive we danced. There was music.

Through somatic psychotherapy and EMDR therapy, I learned how to came back to her over and over and over again.
I learned where I lost her, when I left her, and why.
Pieces of myself.
Hiding in the coat rack as my parents screamed at each other when I was five.

Fear.

Ostracizing myself for being from the country not the suburbs in 5th grade.

Shame.

Fearful of being exiled from a faith that’s people seemed to preach one thing and do another as soon as they left the church.

Estranged.

Each time, I traveled back to her and found her where I’d left her.
I brought her back with me.
I thanked her for doing her best to protect me and for using the tools she had at the time.
I told her each time that I was here now and that she was coming with me.

That she was safe.

For ten years, I’ve sat with her in the cave of my heart.

I’ve prayed to her. I’ve washed her feet.
I’ve brought her sweets, flowers, and beautiful offerings... Then she changed.

One day a new sensation was present.
As I walked into the belly of the cave of my heart...

She sat grand on a chair as big as the cave as The Mother.
This was a profound time in my life.

I continued to sit but now when I sat I chanted to her.

I washed her feet. I anointed her with oils. I brought her offerings.
I became the one who needed support and guidance.

For years, I sat at her feet praying.
Then one day she came down off her chair and held me.
She washed my feet.
She held my face in her hands and touched my forehead with hers.

And we breathed.

Jaws, throat, shoulders relaxed with the exhale.
Belly, root, legs relaxed with the inhale...

Then a wind began to blow and I saw a mirror.
When she moved I moved.
My cry became the howl of the wind and her joy of life.

Relieved.

Jai ma.

We were one in the same.

Sometimes I pray to her.
Sometimes she holds me. And other times, I find distant and forgotten pieces of myself that I bring to her and together we integrate and revive.
I’ve spent 10 years re-membering myself.

Every time I come upon a new part... I bring it here and begin again.
Now I know the way in.
Now I know how to conjure the path, reach out to the guides, and use the tools...

I walk this life on its edge to continue re-membering my selves.
To unify the known and left behind.
The shadows and the bright.

Helping as I go.
Suffering as I go.
To honor her. To be honored by her.

To not take a moment of this life for granted.
To be alone but never alone and always home.

With the her in everything and within you.
And as I continue this work... I wake up to the worlds outside of myself.
I have the ability to go outside of myself and my comfort.

I am able to be scared in the world. And trust myself.
The work I do now is out in the world.
But I always take it back with me into the cave of my heart.

Back to my seat.

Back to myself.

Breathing Life Back In

Today I’m exploring my anxiety.
My anxiety tells me to go and do!
I ask why?
She says because you’ll feel better.

I ask her why I don’t feel good.

She screams ,”Go and do!!”

I know this feeling.

From practice I know her.
So instead of going and doing... I sit down and surf her wily waves.
Until I get to a deep heart cry.

Here I ask, “Why don’t I feel good?”

My cry tells me that this is not a cry of not feeling good.
This is a cry out for care.
This is the cry of an exhausted one

Who never gives up.
Who takes care of me to the most intricate and detailed degree.
This is my caretaker saying please don’t turn away.
Please don’t go out there and do.
Please don’t neglect me.

Please just sit with me, hold me, and breathe Life back into me.
So today I’m sitting with my Anxiety.

Today, I’m bearing the discomfort of my desire to fight or flight... to go out there and do.
Today, I will sit through the fits of my external self and rock her (with yoga asana, meditation, candles, music, a bath, good food, and soft things).

Until I can get to the one deep down beyond the protections of my self/my shield/my ego.
Then, once I’m through the gate, I will honor her.

It is in this place of disarmament, of tolerance... Where my heart, my caretaker can take the stage and be revived.

Where, as I sit and breathe deep breaths into my body... she is strengthened.
Where she dances on stage.
As she is strengthen... my resolve, my dharma, my nature is made clear to me again, to my mind.

I see now what it is I’m meant to go out and do.
As she is revived,

My heart.

My caretaker.

The connection to the other worlds and languages comes through me and out into the world.
The one my anxiety demands I go out into and do!
For the sake of my reputation... and image.
The one my heart is here to serve.

So take care.
Take time.
Sense the desire to go outside of your self.
The sense of fight and flight.
Begin interpreting it as a call to come back home.
As a call from your most precious in tune self... To sit down and conjure her up and breathe life back into her.

So you can walk back out into the world and do the work you’re meant to do and be seen doing.

Honor the Discomfort

There is little that can be done to change uncomfortable situations, especially the ones outside of ourselves. Though we try with all of our might to control or avoid them, still they come. To deal with it, some of us fight while others fly. We spend a lot of energy looking externally for something or someone to relieve  the discomfort. 

The wisdom of Yoga says something about this… When Discomfort shows up, it is the messenger of an important message from our intuitive, wise, and true Self. If avoided, ignored, or neglected Discomfort will grow, the suffering will increase, and a medley of other equally uncomfortable or unfortunate events can come together to amplify it. All of this is Discomfort saying,  “Turn towards me, I need you. I have direction for you”

This message is subtle and may seem insignificant compared to the loud repetitive messages of the Ego oriented consumeristic world. Be thin, wear this, youth is God, flexibility is the point, have the right car, be the perfect family, smile, be happy, etc. 

I learned how to really endure and listen when I was asked to sit in chair pose, Utkatasana for 5 minutes. Try it yourself real quick. Unclench your jaw, keep your breath flowing and easeful (no power Ujjiyi breathing here), tailbone tucked, chin draw in and spine extended…. Fingertips and crown of your head to the ceiling, tailbone down.. Your breath keeping you erect and supported.  Just relax and witness. 

Witnessing the discomfort that I felt in those 5 minutes enraged me. My mind went into a frenzy. I felt victimized. My mind told me I didn’t deserve that. I felt angry at the teacher for making me feel that way, how dare her.

Once it was over and I fell into Savasana. I cried, I felt a huge release of tension and the surrendering of discomfort. I’d literally never gone through discomfort before, all the way to the other side. I had never held my mind accountable to that degree. And when I did, what flowed through me after all the rigid thoughts and judgements about the discomfort, was the support of prana (energy) that was waiting on the other side. 

It felt like relief;  like everything was going to be okay. I had built a bridge. Beyond the guardian we call discomfort is sweet relief. That is what is on the other side of the bridge. Our aversion to move through discomfort, victimization, anger, etc. is what keeps flow, safety, trust, relief beyond our reach.

Discomfort often creeps in, hits hard (if we oppress it) then demands, “Sit down with me,  breath, and support me. Do not neglect me, don’t turn away or numb yourself into forgetting… Sit with me.”  We often do not hear the message that way. Often that moment looks like all hell has broken loose in our lives, our health, our families and friendships. Like a beautiful disaster has been orchestrated so we can have a minute for ourselves. 

Why is it that we can only find these moments from hardship?  Yoga is a practice honed in observing the patterns of imperfection and distress in our life and turning towards discomfort when it crops up rather than away from it. 

The more we show up, the more willingness we will find, the easier it will be to hear the message. If you practice this Yoga earnestly and with dedication, you will discover how you will be naturally supported in this effort.

I am not saying it’s easy or enjoyable or that it happens over night. It’s a lifetime practice. First, decide that you will turn towards discomfort because the more we turn towards our discomfort, the more we turn towards ourselves. Learn to sit with it. You will find that this practice can be your homecoming rather than the source of your suffering.

As we learn to be steady and easy in our asana, like in the long hold of Utkatasana, and begin to trust that relief follows, we practice enduring discomfort, listening to its message, and experiencing relief. We might even learn to Honor the Discomfort and thank it for being our Guide.

Is it Yoga if it Ignores Injustice?

I’ve had the privilege of practicing Yoga since I was nineteen years old. At thirty-two, I’ve explored, experimented, and internalized as much as I can. I am full of Yoga. I’ve cultivated a “safe” practice for myself that now feels stifling. I’m stepping out of the incubation of my practice and weaving my practice into my life. And I’m doing that because I can see and feel Yoga’s opposite so resolutely.

Divisiveness; I’m talking about the nature of hate, racism, and othering that we are experiencing ripping through our country, communities, media, and social constructs. I cannot ignore the violence, mass murders, poverty, and helplessness any more. The level of dichotomy in our world calls for my practice to evolve and be inclusive of these realities too. 

There is a popular Sanskrit mantra that goes “Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu” it means “May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.” How though, if we are only using our practice to perpetuate our own safety and wellbeing do we cultivate thoughts, words, and actions that contribute to the happiness and freedom of others? 

Over time my practice has matured me beyond the need for only safety and has propelled me into the Yoga of Action, into Karma Yoga. Karma Yoga states that one should act, but not be attached to the fruits of your labor. One of the powers cultivated in this practice is the ability to witness how the mind reacts to external forces. 

Once we understand the impact the mind’s reactions have on our willingness to engage, we can begin to investigate how and why we avoid, shy away from, and detest certain people, circumstances, and feelings. When we move through our resistance, we can identify and overcome the illusionary fears that keep us in avoidance. 

As I act and educate myself of the injustices in our world, I am learning that they get stronger the more I (we) avoid and reject them as truth. I am seeing and feeling the dichotomy, the violence, the hate, the racism, the systems that oppress and it hurts.  

As I embrace these realities my worldview is challenged and my “safety” feels threatened. What I’ve been able to understand through strong practice, educating myself, and action is that right now it IS unsafe, violent, and dangerous and it isn’t my safety that feels threatened it’s my privilege. 

If you are feeling safe it is because you have the privilege to be unaffected by the violence, the hate, and the racism that are thrashing about in our world. I believe that a practice that only cultivates the ability to tolerate the good, the ease, the righteous creates a fragility within us. The need for only good means we turn away and avoid the bad this action perpetuates and emboldens privilege. 

When we ignore the hate, judgement, and fear inside of ourselves it is easy to avoid it out in the world. This kind of avoidance stunts our growth, endangers the future of inclusive progress, emboldens violence, hate, and racism and is out of integrity with the purpose of Yoga which is to create union. There’s a word for this tendency it’s called  Spiritual Bypassing (further reading: When Spiritual Bypassing Meets Racism Meets Gaslighting)

I encourage each of us to investigate the practices we cultivate. Are our practices only perpetuating our privilege and our relationship with that which is comfortable, safe, stable, and easeful? Or are our practices also fortifying and preparing us to sit with, tolerate, and welcome the realities that are uncomfortable, violent, hateful, racist, and oppressive? 

To the spiritual white women reading this: It is time for us to begin practicing Yoga as action rather than using it as a tool to further isolate. We can only really do this if we can sit with our own shadows, our hate, our racism, our violence, our rage, and the oppression we experience and internalize, and witness, welcome, and weather whatever confrontation it brings. 

You may feel like this action will tear you apart, impact your mental stability, or break you. I ask you to take that belief into your practice and test it. Karma Yoga states that we find ourselves in these times (Karma) and should act in line with the tenants of Yoga for the sake of Union, but not be attached to the fruits of our labor or let our attachments guide our actions. 

The Sanskrit mantra “Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu” means “May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all”; it really does mean FOR ALL PEOPLE. If we are only practicing love and light and celebrating the beauty in the world we are doing an injustice to the practice, to our Self, and to others; we are Spiritually Bypassing. 

I challenge you to call in the other half of life, the violence, the hate, the racism, the systems that oppress and the shadows. If we do not start to take accountability for the internalized shadows that are part of our nature; we will only prolong the hate, racism, and othering happening in the world. If we cannot dismantle our aversion I am not sure our Yoga practice or mantras like “Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu” can benefit all. 

If you call what you are practicing Yoga, yet you’re ignoring the injustices happening outside of yourself, I ask you to reconsider what it is that you’re practicing and teaching others. Is it Yoga, if it ignores injustice or is it Spiritual Bypassing.

*** The article linked about has several foundational citations within it so that you can educate yourself further on topics touched on in this piece. I also recommend you follow Reverend Angel Kyodo Williams, Rusia Mohiuddin, Kerri Kelly (CTZNWELL), Rachel Cargle and Layla F. Saad for profound inclusivity work around racism, spirituality, yoga, feminism, inclusion, and the revolution.